FINAL SCRIPT
(Philly)
10 Sep 00

An Operetta, based on the works of Dorothy Dunnett and Gilbert & Sullivan, to be performed at Edinburgh and Philadelphia in July and September 2000.
Written by Simon Hedges, with Heather Fletcher, Tina Dallas and Cindy Byrne. Dorothy Dunnett knows about this Operetta, and has not objected! This script and its contents are not to be disseminated without permission of the Authors.

Seating Plan:
 The Jury, DeSlime and Goro remain on stage throughout. Others will be seated at tables relatively near the stage. The Naxettes are NOT sat together, but are scattered.

Jury Plan:
Jury seating plan. The Edinburgh 'old hands' will be at the front.

Script
Conventions: Character Names in bold, Stage Directions in (brackets and italics), CAPITALS indicate stress/volume. SR=Stage Right, SL=Stage Left. As regards stage instruction for the ushers: if your sole role is as an Usher, the follow the instructions as given. However if you play another role as well, then when you have finished ushing return to that role. So if the stage instruction tells you to stand, ush, and sit down - but you were already standing, then just say your line and don't sit down. Email Simon Hedges if you need further clarification.

(The cast will have exited, and will process in. The Jury, FFJ, DeSlime and Goro are masked. As soon as the cast is seated, and at the nod from Simon or Cindy, the proceeding start).
Usher 1 (loudly yells).Silence in court!
Usher 2 Silence in court!
Usher 3
 Silence in court!
Liz stands and removes her mask, placing it on the Judge's table, and so does DeSlime. EVERYONE ELSE also unmasks as soon as Liz does.
Liz

Good evening. Some of you may remember that at the 1994 Edinburgh Gathering, an Opera, "Francesco Y Filipa" was performed. Many people, some of them here, contributed to it, but the inspiration and the driving force behind it was Tovah Hollander. Sadly, Tovah died shortly after the Gathering, and we would like to dedicate tonight's entertainment to her.

The following operetta is based mostly, but not entirely, upon the works of Gilbert & Sullivan. Please do join in with gusto when you are asked to. Now, without further ado, we present tonight's production, based, somewhat loosely, on the House of Niccolo series: "The Nikado, or, Trial of De Fleury" Being a transcript of the proceedings against Sir Nicol de Fleury, the former Lord Beltrees, at the Sheriff's high court in Edinburgh, the 23rd day of July in this two thousandth year of grace"

(Liz sits, the CD controller starts the Overture music).

SONG 1: OVERTURE FOR THE NIKADO (cd01)
Listen to the background music

(The moment the music stops, TGWTWL enters, SR. TGWTWL's leg makes a loud stumping noise)

SONG 2: I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO TRADE (cd02)
Listen to the music
TGWTWL

(the Jury members grin like idiots - big cheesy grins please!)
I'd like to teach the world to trade
In perfect harmony
In kermes, gallnuts, indigo
And lapiz lazuli.
(the Jury start clicking the fingers of the their right hand at this point)
I'd like to corner trading marts
And spread accountancy
With double-entry bookkeeping
And ciphered secrecy.
Jury Venice to Cathay
To Guinea all the way
TGWTWL (the Jury are now swaying from side to side)
And then the stacks of alum sacks
Bring profit back to me
Then ledgers tote the trading score
The scales they weigh the gold
As though no fool of either sex
Will come to break the mould
And treat trade
Jury ___________TRADE!
TGWTWL

__________________as just a game
(the Jury are now humming along)
A trick with which to toy
For Niccolo whose strange career
I watch and I enjoy
But is the man's career now done
And has he had his day?
A jury waits now to decide
The trial is underway!
(Exit TGWTWL SL as the ushers start to announce FFJ)
Usher 1 (stands and announces, very loudly, and remains standing) All rise for his corpulence: Jordan de St Pol of Brittany!
Usher 2 (stands and announces, very loudly, and remains standing) All rise for his crapulence: Jordan St Pol of Bruges!
( FFJ enters and seats himself in the Judge's chair. He holds a gavel. The Jury are to the right of the stage. DeSlime is also to the right – holding a large scroll, Goro is to the left.. FFJ rises, smiling insincerely)
Usher 3 (while Jordan is making his way to his seat, stands and announces, very loudly) All rise for his flatulence: Jordan Semple of Kilmirren!
(all cast members in the audience stand, and remain standing until FFJ is seated)
FFJ Be seated.
(All cast members with seats sit)
FFJ (with syrupy and unconvincing sympathy and sorrow) I am Jordan St Pol of Kilmirren and it is my sad sad duty to preside over the trial of Niccolo De Fleury. I have always taken a kindly interest in the young man's upbringing, but I am, course, completely impartial, and so will ignore the whitewashed version of events recorded in that deeply biased book, GEMINI. I am here to determine the truth. As I see it. And be warned, I will brook no disruption in my courtroom: I've got a ring, and as you will be aware, I'm not afraid to use it!
(All on stage touches their right hand to their right cheek)
FFJ We will now swear in the Jury. Monsieur DeSalmeton I trust that they an appropriate cross section of society?
DeSlime (stands) Yes, m'lud. The Vatachino archives provided me with a list of people who are unbelievably in debt AND are terrified of physical violence.
Goro (Standing, Indignantly) Objection!
FFJ Overruled, Messer Gregorio.
(DeSlime and Goro sit)
FFJ Now Jury - take your Oath, and remember that debtors' prisons and facial scarring are very unpleasant things indeed.
(The Jury places their hand flat on left breast)
SONG 3: WE ALL SWEAR TO DO OUR DUTY (cd03)
Listen to the background music
Jury We all swear to do our duty
We know truth's akin to beauty
That is all we need to know to be free

Fifteen men on a Scots jury
Fearing favour not, nor fury
Honest, truthful, just and open to Bribereee

Evidence will pile in mountains
Truth will shine like crystal fountains
Guiding us in our deliberations

Pleading words will not affect us
We'll do what the judge directs us
Then we'll pocket cold hard gold and we will go

For we are wee tim'rous beasties
We will say that West is where the East is
To placate the Vatachino
FFJ To help this Jury of 15 good local Scots to find the defendant guilty, the Prosecution Lawyer, David DeSalmeton will read the charges.
DeSlime (smirking he stands up, taking from the Judge's table the scroll of charges)
And it is indeed a heinous list:
Raped his sister in law
Murdered his stepson
Corrupted his nephew
Killed his cousin
Destroyed Trebizond, Iceland, Scotland and Burgundy.
And, of course, murdered ME in cold blood!
This man deserves the severest penalty under the law!
SONG 4: I'VE GOT A LITTLE LIST (cd04)
Listen to the background music
DeSlime

Today it now has happened
That a villain has been found:
His crimes are on this list,
I've got a little list

He's a criminal offender
Who has been too long around
And who never would be missed.
I think you get the gist

He seduces women, boys and girls,
He brought Burgundy low,
He bankrupted poor Scotland
Causes accidents with snow

His family they dye
In all the senses of the word
And yet nothing of his inner thoughts
Is ever to be heard

He carouses around Danzig
And is permanently pissed
I think you get the gist
I need a longer list
Jury

Indeed we get the gist
You need a longer list
Yes indeed we get the gist
You need a longer list
DeSlime He betrayed the Queen of Cyprus
And he had to be dismissed
That crime too is on the list
O yes it's on the list

He killed his first wife's son and heir
Who is so deeply missed
This is a growing list
Jury There's no end to this list
DeSlime Oh the child he claimed as brother was
From incest born his son
And he hides his cruel wickedness
With superficial fun

In bed he turns both ways
His nephew he corrupted too
He associates with reprobates
Of every creed and hue

He then stole the Vatachino's gold
I bet he cheats at Whist!
He is guilty I insist
He never would be missed
Jury He is guilty we insist
And he never would be missed
He is guilty we insist
He never would be missed
DeSlime I now call my first witness - Miss G. Van Borselen, at the age of 18.
Usher 1 (standing) Call Gelis Van Borselen, aged 18. (says Gelis with a hard G as in Get)
(Gelis starts making her way to the stage. She looks haughty and snooty)
Usher 2 (standing) Call Gelis Van Borselen, aged 18. (says Gelis with a soft G as in Gem) Gelis starts making her way to the stage)
Usher 3 (standing) Call Gelis Van Borselen, aged 18.(says Gelis with a Flemish guttural G) all ushers sit again)
Gelis (snappily) What d'you want?
DeSlime Miss Van Borselen, are you feeling sulky, resentful, bad-tempered in a witty kind of a way, and hopelessly in love with the defendant whom you also fear and despise?
Gelis (snappily) Yes.
DeSlime

(smiling like a cat that has got the cream) In that case, please tell us the history of the defendant's relations with your sister, the easily pronounceable Katelina Van Borselen. Perhaps some members of the Jury or the Public Gallery would assist?
I need a Simon St Pol (Simon gets on Stage, with a mirror concealed about his person. Without waiting for him to arrive, DeSlime goes on to call the next person)
Katelina van Borselen (Katelina gets on Stage)
Marian Charetty (Marian gets on Stage. She brings her ledger with her, and sits on her chair)
Some people of Bruges (adoring maidens 1 and 2 get on stage, and also the Butterfly Wrangler, who stands unobtrusively at the back of the stage)
And Claes vander Poele (Nicholas enters, carrying a large hank of blue wool under his arm)
Proceed!

SONG 5: A SCOTSMAN CAME TO THE TOWN OF BRUGES (cd05)
Listen to the background music
(The characters take up their positions while intro music plays, ready to act out the song silently. The butterfly wrangler also takes up his position)
Gelis A Scotsman came to the town of Bruges
And all around (with the aid of rouge)
Were maidens of every sort and type
Who, should he pluck, would fall just ripe.
But for them the Scotsman felt no whim
Though he charmed them they charmed not him
Their chances of marriage were all too slim
For this Narcissus was cute but dim		 Simon walks across the stage, and is surrounded by adoring women, who he brushes aside. They try to get his attention, but still he ignores them, instead he practices with a sword and admires himself in a mirror. They get a little bored and start to drift away, and he notices this surreptitiously, so he strides nobly past them, catching their attention again.
Jury & Gelis

He's rather dim
He's rather dim

This most athletic
Very aesthetic
Man of lissom limb
With love they're bitten (G indicates adoring women)
And rather smitten
By a man who is cute but dim

This most athletic
Very aesthetic
Man of lissom limb
With love they're bitten
And rather smitten
By a man who is cute but dim

 Again they admire Simon, and again he ignores them. He continues to walk around the stage being haughty, vain and narcissistic. The maidens love it. Katelina stands at the side of the stage looking haughty and petulant. Claes also stands by the edge of the stage yoyoing or cat's cradling or juggling. They do not see each other.
Gelis

A maiden lived in the town of Bruges
And all around (both sweet and louche)
Were swains of the aristocracy
Their hopes were ardent and clear to see;
But for them the maiden felt no whim
Though she charmed them they were not HIM (points at N) As suitors and swains they gave no joy
For she'd set her heart on a working boy

 Katelina then walks across the stage haughtily. Simon bows in front of her. She nods to him frostily and carries on - practically pushing Simon out of the way. She walk around the stage but is then attacked by a moth. She is distressed and screams silently. Claes sees this, and rescues her by fighting off the moth. Katelina kisses him on the cheek, and they walk together hand in hand.
Jury & Gelis (Jury stands)
A working boy
A working boy

This most athletic
Very magnetic
Man of love and joy
Left her at a loss
When he married his boss
Her riches to enjoy

This most athletic
Very magnetic
Man of love and joy
Left her at a loss
When he married his boss
Her riches to enjoy
(Jury sits)

Then Claes sees Marian. She is sat on the witness chair looking downcast, and holding a ledger and dabbing a handkerchief to her eyes. Claes looks at her and takes a step in her direction.

Claes looks back at Katelina, and then again at Marian. He pulls away from Katelina and goes to comfort Marian, dropping the wool as he does so. Katelina is furious and clenches her fists and stamps her feet on the wool. Claes crouches down by Marian, talking to her and holding her hands. He wipes a tear from her cheek. Simon has now escaped from the adoring women who leave the stage, and turns back towards Katelina.
Gelis Deserted by her low born lad
The high born girl became so sad.
She turned on her suitor and called him a churl
With the conduct of an oaf and the talents of a girl
But when she found she was with child
She became compliant and meek and mild
And turned to her suitor so cute but dim
And declared to the world that she'd marry him		 Katelina is still furious, and you can see her mouth the words 'the conduct of an oaf and the talents of a girl' at him. Simon turns away. Katelina puts her hands to her belly and realises that she is pregnant She gasps and puts her hand to her mouth. . She looks at Claes but he is with Marian and doesn't see her. She taps Simon on the shoulder and he turns. Katelina blows him a kiss and smiles coquettishly at him. Simon goes down on one knee, and she raises him up.
Jury & Gelis

(Jury stands)
She married him
She married him

She wed the athletic
Very aesthetic
Man of lissom limb
And lived to fret
And deeply regret
A marriage grown so grim

She wed the athletic
Very aesthetic
Man of lissom limb
And lived to fret
And deeply regret
A marriage grown so grim
(Jury sits)

 Katelina and Simon move towards FFJ. He joins their hands, marrying them.

At the same time Marian and Claes leave the stage together. Katelina and Simon hold hands and starts to leave the stage. As they do so, it is clear that Katelina is not happy - but Simon has a firm grip on her. Katelina breaks free for a moment, and picks up the hank of wool, tucking it under her arms where Simon cannot see it. As they leave the stage Simon is smiling triumphantly, and Katelina looks sad. She cradles the wool in her arms, like a baby.
DeSlime Thank you Jel- Ggel- Gh. Thank you Miss Van Borselen, aged 18. You may go.
Gelis She was stupid! So stupid. I hate her! (pause) I love her. I hate her, I love him. Oh!
DeSlime That will be all. Go!
(exit Gelis SL)
Goro I now call Katelijne Sersanders
Usher 1 (stands) Call Katelijne Sersanders! (sits)
Usher 2 (stands) Call Kathi Sersanders! (sits, Kathi starts to leave her seat)
Usher 3 (stands) Call Dame Kathi Crawford of Berecrofts! (sits)
(Kathi bounds on SR, dressed as a little girl and holding a very large lollipop. She exudes happiness and enthusiasm from every pore of her being. She speaks like a little girl - Shirley Temple for example)
Kathi (waving to the audience) Hello everyone! (cups hand behind ear, indicating that a response is required from the audience)
Audience (feebly) Hello.
Kathi (points to her chest) My name'th Kathi What'th YOURTH? (pointing to Audience, with arm at full length)
Audience (mutters half-heartedly. A few people call out their names)
Kathi (proudly) Did you know I loth-t a tooth (she points at her teeth). I loth-t loadth of teeth before I became a woman. And I'm lucky - I only became a woman ONTHE!
Goro (stands) Ahem. Miss Sersanders. You come from a good family. Is that correct?
Kathi Oh yeth. Anthelm Adorne'th my uncle. And I'm Anthelm Therthanderth'th thithter.
Goro I see. Now tell me about Niccolo de Fleury. He's your good friend I believe?
Kathi He'th my betht friend! I love him lotth!
DeSlime (standing, interrupting) So! There's a RELATIONSHIP between you and this man, Cassie?
Kathi Thilly man! I'm not Cathie, I'm Kathi.
DeSlime I said Cassie.
Kathi No you said..... Oh never mind. I am a woman of the intellect not the body, and I can rithe above it.
DeSlime You say there's a relationship between you? But you are a married woman!
Kathi Not THAT kind of relathionthip. You thee:
SONG 6: HE'S MY GOOD FRIEND NICCOLO (cd06)
Listen to the background music
(she sings the song in a very bouncy manner. She gestures and waves, and licks her lollipop and is just all round 100% cute as a button. Goro and DeSlime sit)
Kathi He'th my good friend Niccolo
When we meet up I am all aglow
But not thexually:
Our relathionthip'th completely thex-free

I thometimeth call him Banco
And he'th very nithe you know
But it'th thex free:
He'th not into thex at all (with me) (shakes head and crosses hands, palms down, and then spreads them wide in a gesture of denial)

Now I'm wed to Rob
And it'th a good job
That he'th so pa-thient with me

When we're in the thack
I lie back
And I think of Burgundy

He'th my good friend Niccolo
Thide by thide in thunthine thand and thnow
Betht friendth you thee
In a way that'th tho THEX FREE!!!
Kathi At leath-t I think tho! (giggle)
Goodbye everyone! I have to go and bring light and joy into other people'th liveth. (she waves both hands at the audience excitedly) Byeeeee!
Audience /Jury Bye!
(exit Kathi SR)
DeSlime (stands) I call the defendant's first wife to give evidence against the accused.
Usher 1 Call Marian Damparis
Usher 2 Call Marian Charetty
Usher 3 Call Marian Van Der Poele
Marian (stands. She is facing the stage so is speaking loudly and clearly so that the audience can hear) I won't give evidence against him! I loved him! I even let him see me with my hair down!
FFJ Silence. Get up here and give evidence. Now!
(Goro sits and Marian enters SR)
DeSlime It's true, is it not, that soon after the defendant came to live with you, your husband died?
Marian Well, yes.
DeSlime And it's true, is it not, that soon after the defendant married you, your son Felix was killed?
Marian Well, yes.
DeSlime And it's true, is it not, that your daughter Catherine then ran away from home?
Marian Well, yes.
DeSlime In fear of her life, no doubt. And it's true, is it not, that soon afterwards you yourself died in mysterious circumstances?
Marian Ah, but I DO know about that....
FFJ The witness is dismissed. No more questions (bangs gavel) Sit down now.
Goro (standing) I object!
FFJ You always do. Now shut up or be thrown out.
Marian (loudly and desperately as the music starts) Listen to me. You MUST listen!
SONG 7: FROM BOTH SIDES NOW (Marian) (cd07)
Listen to the background music
Marian

You say he plotted, killed and schemed
Destroyed the hope of which I dreamed
That he can never be redeemed:
You look at Nick that way.

But you know nothing of his care,
Unlooked for, gentle, and aware:
The love we found we both could share
I looked at Nick that way

I've looked at Nick from both sides now
As boss and wife
And still somehow
His loving kindness I recall
You really don't know Nick at all
FFJ (bangs gavel loudly) Enough! Sit Down. (Marian exits, SL, Sophie enters SR and sits in the Witness chair) Call the next Witness.
Usher 1 (stands) Call Anna, Countess von Wenzel (sits)
Usher 2 (stands) Call Adelina De Fleury (sits)
Usher 3 (stands) Call the nut with the knife (sits)
(Anna is now on stage she does not see Sophie. Sophie dabs at her eyes with a hankie, and looks unobtrusively sad)
Goro Tell us about your childhood with the defendant
Anna Kill! Kill! Kill!
Goro (gets out a pendulum and starts to hypnotise Anna) I want you to cast your mind back to when you and Nicholas were children together...
Goro/Anna ...together... ...together... (harp music plays as we are wafted back into Adelina's past.(cd08) Goro sits)
Anna (speaking in a trance-like voice to the Audience) He was so nice to me. And he always loved his mother. I remember one day when Jaak was away, I danced for them. It seems so long ago. It was a lovely sunny day...
Niccie (getting up from his seat in the Aisle, carrying the music box. He talks as he walks towards the stage area) What a lovely sunny day! Hello Clouds! Hello Sky! (he sees Sophie) Hello Mother Dearest. Art thou weeping? Despair not, sweetest Mama - I have a present for you. It's a music box I made.
Sophie Niccie, how lovely! I know you're not bright but I AM glad you're good with your hands
Niccie Thank you Dearest heart. Listen to the tune. And Uncle Jaak has excused Addie from her special lessons so that she can dance for you
Sophie Oh Niccie! Despite all my cares and woes, you ALways cheer me up!

Sophie/
Niccie

 (sigh contentedly)
Niccie Oh Dearest heart, I'd do anything for you! (Niccie opens the lid of the music box and, hands it to Sophie and sings as it plays)

SONG 8: I'D DO ANYTHING (cd09)
Listen to the background music

(the first verse is sung lightheartedly)
Niccie

I'd do anything
For you dear anything
For you mean ev'rything to me
I know that I'd go anywhere
For your smile anywhere
For your smile ev'rywhere I'd see

 (Niccie looks down at Sophie who looks up, smiling through her tears)
Sophie Would you tie my shoe?
Niccie Anything.
Sophie Ride an ostrich too?
Niccie Anything.
Sophie Dye your hands bright blue?
Niccie Anything.
Sophie Go to Timbuktu?
Niccie And back again

I'd do anything
For one smile anything
Yes I'd do anything
Sophie Anything?
Niccie Anything for you!
Sophie Will you play the game?
Niccie Anything.
Sophie Will you gain great fame?
Niccie Anything.
Sophie Will you clear my name?
Niccie Anything.
Sophie And wipe out my shame?
Niccie

Oh, utterly!
I'd risk life and limb
To see you smile again.
Yes I'd do anything
FFJ/Sophie Anything?
Niccie Anything for you.
(the music box winds down, and Niccie looks sad. Sophie smooths his cheek)
Sophie My darling boy. You know I'd rather die than hurt you.
Niccie Oh Mother, why does everything lovely...
Niccie/Anna ...always end...
Anna (in a trancelike voice)...end...end..end....(harplike music wafts Anna back to the present (cd10) Sophie sits back on her chair, and Niccie sits beside her)
Goro Thank you. Proof that the prisoner was a loving and devoted son.
FFJ And prepared to do ANYTHING AT ALL for his mother. We have a revenge motive. But let's hear more from the countess - and her second husband.
Julius

That's me! Wait a moment! (he walk to the Stage. He holds a flower with large petals, and starts to pull the petals out one by one, chanting)
I'll kill him. I'll kill him not, I'll kill him, I'll kill him not... (he bows to Anna who curtseys to him. She then snatches the flower from him, pulls the head completely off, and throws the pieces away)
Goro Now Anna. Tell us why you married Julius.
Anna Kill! Kill! Kill!
(Sophie and Niccie move to stand inconspicuously at the back of the stage)
Goro Oh dear (dangles pendulum and hypnotises her as he speaks). Why was Julius so attracted to you?
Anna Because I was pretty enough for him. He never loved me for myself. No-one ever did.
(enter Julius SR. Anna curtseys to Julius , who bows to her)
Anna I'd call him shallow but it makes him sound too deep. You see, he always knew he was handsome...
SONG 9: SMOOTH THE SILKEN KNEE (cd11)
Listen to the background music
Julius Smooth the silken knee
Show the shapely calf
I full handsome be
Other's only half
Cut the golden hair
Curl the handsome lip
I need another half:
A lovely ladyship!		 (Julius parades around the stage: he smooths his knee, he displays his calf, he stares nobly ahead in profile, he strokes his hair. He stops moving, standing to the left of Anna, with both of them facing the audience and, preferably, near a microphone! At the words 'I need another half' he holds out his hand to Anna. In her right hand she holds a dagger. They dance - moving together and apart, and moving towards the audience and away.)
Anna/Julius

We then will share
Beauty as a pretty pair
We then will share
Beauty of a
Lovely perfect
Pretty pair
Of lovebirds as you'll ever see
Anna

With the aid of dye
A Pretty Violet eye
And a sweet sharp knife
You can take a life

(she strokes her hair)
(she points to her eye)
(she holds dagger up close to her face)
(They stop dancing, and Anna is sounding increasingly bitter and mad)

You revenge can gain
Avenge a life of pain
Destroy a childhood friend
To achieve an end		 (They separate: she is now completely bonkers in a suppressed kind of a way, wringing her hands, and acting in an agitated manner., Julius holds up the mirror that hangs from his waist and starts admiring himself - looking in the mirror, smoothing his knee, stroking his long blond locks etc)
I then will stand
Purified by my own hand
Destroy his peace
Anna/Julius A Bloody painful
Lovely perfect
Masterpiece:
Perfect beauty and despair / Perfect beauty in a pair
(Julius snatches the knife from Anna who rushes off stage back to her seat weeping loudly. As she leaves the stage, Julius relieves her of her knife saying)
Julius That might come in handy one day. (he laughs softly and evilly)
(Exit Julius SR, as Ludo and Godscalc enter. Sophie and Niccie exit SL. Each priest has an attendant who collect a banner from the rear of the stage. Ludo's attendant's banner has a gruesome scene of a sword, Godscalc's attendant's banner has a little lamb on it. Ludo is unkempt. In one hand he holds a half eaten chicken leg, which he bites. Godscalc holds a bible in his hand)
Goro (stands) Here are Godly character witnesses who will testify to the moral character and spiritual state of the defendant.
FFJ Brethren - stand to show respect for these holy men of God. And take your hymn sheets in your hand. And get ready to make a noise like this Chinese Restaurant has never heard before!
Goro Ludovico da Bologna and Father Godscalc. Father Godscalc, please give your testimony.
Godscalc Brothers and Sisters! I'm gonna need some help from my side of this righteous congregation. Everyone from here to here. Say yeah!
Godscalc's side of the Audience (GSOTA)

Yeah! (ginger them up by repeating if necessary, until they are loud enough)
Godscalc Great! I hope you people know this tune. I'll sing, and then you join on in as soon as you recognise the tune.
SONG 10: ONWARD NICCO'S SOLDIERS (Godscalc)(cd12)
Listen to the background music
Godscalc & GSOTA

Move your mighty company for the church of God;
Brothers, we are treading where Prester John has trod.
We are pledged to save souls, not to search for gold;
To spread hope and doctrine, and not be bought and sold.
Onward, Nicco's soldiers, marching as to war,
To repel the evil which we all abhor.
Ludo Hmm. Nice sentiments brother, but a bit impractical. I'm gonna give my testimony now, and my side of the congregation will join in with me and be MUCH LOUDER than yours. Won't you sisters and brothers?
LSOTA Yeah!
SONG 10: ONWARD NICCO'S SOLDIERS (Ludo)(cd13)
Listen to the background music
Ludo & LSOTA

Crowns and thrones may bicker, kingdoms rise and wane,
The Eastern church is falling: Rome alone must reign
Gates of hell don't scare me, so don't think you can;
I need arms and money too, from each and every man.
Onward, Nicco's soldiers, marching as to war,
To repel the Sultan whom we all abhor
Godscalc (dismissively) Huh. . My side of the congregation KNOWS that selfless sacrifice to save souls, including Nicholas's, and reaching Prester John are the most important. (to GSOTA) Don't you, people?
GSOTA Yeah!
Ludo And MY side of the congregation knows that defeating the infidel, freeing the holy sites and uniting the Church is the most important thing: and the end justifies the means. Don't you, people?
LSOTA Yeah!
Ludo You'll have to do better than that. Let me hear you say yeah!
LSOTA Yeah!
Godscalc I hate to diss you brother, but your side of the audience sucks like a monkey with a lollipop. (to GSOTA) Don't they, people?
GSOTA YEAH!!
Godscalc And to prove it, we're gonna to sing louder than his people. Aren't we?
GSOTA YEAH!!
Ludo NO!!
Godscalc & GSOTA YEAH!!
Ludo NO!!
Godscalc & GSOTA YEAH!!
Ludo NO!!
Goro Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's only one way to prove it. (to GSOTA) Are you ready to sing?
GSOTA/LSOTA Yes. (or possibly No!)
Goro (to Godscalc and Ludo) I've got an idea. Why don't you both sing at the same time? That way it's easy to tell who's louder, and it will save time. And why not sing the same words? You're meant to be on the same side. Can't you find some words that you can both agree on? You are men of God after all.
Ludo/ Godscalc (sheepishly) I suppose so.
(Ludo's attendant and Godscalc's attendant turn the banners round to reveal the 'joint' words)
SONG 10: ONWARD NICCO'S SOLDIERS (Joint)(cd14)
Listen to the background music
Ludo

Onward then, young Nicco, with your motley gang,
Let's just tell that Sultan he can go and hang.
Glory, land, and honour aren't for you to keep,
Just work hard to win them so that God the spoils will reap.
Onward, Nicco's soldiers, marching as to war,

GSOTA/LSOTA

 To repel the e/Sul vil/tan which/who we all abhor.
FFJ I think that little performance goes some way towards explaining the recent decline in church attendance. But exactly what did it tell us about the character and spiritual state of Niccolo de Fleury?
Goro Nothing whatever m'lud.
FFJ Witnesses dismissed! (bangs gavel).
(exit Godscalc and Ludo SL. Godscalc's Bannerman and Ludo's Bannerman return the banners to the rear of the stage, and exit, SL)
DeSlime We will now hear evidence from a man who has previously been physically attacked by the defendant, and who had to have him imprisoned. Anselm Adorne!
Usher 1 Call Anselm Adorne!
(enter Adorne)
Usher 2 Call Anselm Adorne!
Usher 3 Call Anselm Adorne!
DeSlime Anselm, tell us of your unpleasant, humiliating, and undignified experiences with the defendant.
Goro Objection! Leading the witness.
Adorne This witness is not easily led. But I well tell you of myself, of my family, and of my dealings with Nicholas.
SONG 11: THE BIGWIG SONG (cd15)
Listen to the background music
Adorne When I was a lad in Burgundy
I was handsome and I jousted gracefully
They made me a knight of the Golden Fleece
And on Hotel Jerusalem I took a lease
Jury Yes on Hotel Jerusalem he took a lease
Adorne So the Bruges' townfolk were proud of me
And I became a bigwig there in Burgundy
Jury

So the Bruges' townfolk were proud you see
And he became a bigwig there in Burgundy

Adorne

Then I wed Margriet (and she did love me)
And the kids came along (I quite lost count, you see)
And I loved her too though she's not too bright,
She brought into my life much joy and sheer delight

Jury Yes, brought into his life much joy and sheer delight
Adorne And she bore me many children almost instantly
And I tried to found a major bigwig dynasty
Jury And she bore him many children almost instantly
And he tried to found a major bigwig dynasty
Adorne But the kids were ambitionless, or girls, or thick,
And I knew they'd get nowhere: but then I met Nick
He'd spark and nerve, and a certain mirth
But he had no fam'ly just a humble birth
Jury Yes he had no fam'ly just a humble birth
Adorne And I dealt with him firmly though with charity
But he repaid this bigwig with brutality
Jury And he dealt with him firmly though with charity
But he repaid the bigwig with brutality
Adorne Well, the boy was intelligent and made money
From his adventure in the Euxine sea
He traded books and specs and fish
And he wed for a third time to a total dish
Jury Yes he wed for a third time to a total dish
Adorne Gelis loved him so, but not trustingly,
He would not become a bigwig if twere left to she
Jury Gelis loved him so, but not trustingly,
He would be a very small wig if twere left to she
Adorne

Then the lad did bad and this saddened me
And his wife was as bad and egged him on you see
They had a child and fought nastily
Until he begged "please won't you walk over with me"?
Jury Yes, he begged "please won't you walk over with me"?
Adorne Then they gained, in Scotland, some maturity
And Nick became a bigwig with the great Lords Three
Jury Then they gained, in Scotland, some maturity
And Nick became a bigwig with the great Lords Three
Adorne And so now I'm dead and entombed below
St Michael's church in royal Linlithgow
My heart's in Bruges, in my kirk decayed,
And my daughter is in Scotland: she's a lovely maid
Jury Yes his daughter is in Scotland: she's a lovely maid
Adorne But dear Nicholas is the true heir for me:
A bigwig for the Scots: and that's my legacy
Jury Yes dear Nicholas is his true heir you see:
A bigwig for the Scots: and that's his legacy
Goro Bravo! Well said!
(Exit Adorne, SR)
Goro We have heard that Nicholas is a chosen adviser to the King of Scotland!
DeSlime (stands) A King not known for his sound judgement. We now turn to the moral conduct of the defendant. Call the next witnesses to prove Nicholas De Fleury to be an immoral and unfaithful philanderer. Call the Princesses of Naxos!
Usher 1 Call the Princesses of Naxos!
Usher 2 Their Royal Highnesses of Naxos!
Usher 3 Call Violante...
Violante

Coooee!
Usher 3 ...Viennetta...
Viennetta Over here dahlink!
Usher 3 ...And Viagra
Viagra I'll be up in a minute
(the Naxettes are the Gabor sisters - ripe ladies of a certain age who have no doubt whatever of their sexual attractiveness. They speak with Gabor accents and are dress with much jewellery, the wear gloves, have handbags, and each wears a feather boa)
Violante Just a moment dahlink. (she continues on to the stage)
Viennetta (she is sat next to a man, and speaks to him) Oh you naughty boy! I'd be offended if you veren't such a handsome young man! (she continues on to the stage)
Viagra I'm coming. (She too continues onto the stage)
DeSlime (stands) Now tell us...
Violante (inspecting him) Vot a handsome man!
(Each Naxette holds a fan, with her name on it, they coyly fan themselves, whilst schmoozing sex at DeSlime, FFJ and the men in the audience, waving coyly and blowing kisses).
DeSlime Now, tell us about yourself, and the nature of your relationship with the accused.
(music starts, Goro sits)
Violante Of course, dahlink!
Naxettes (give a low and dirty chortle)

SONG 12: THREE LITTLE MAIDS OF NAXOS WE (cd16)
Listen to the background music

(Gustily and Lustily and high camp)
Naxettes Three little maids of Naxos ve
Roaming around ze Aegean sea
Since ve lost our virginiteeeee
Three little maids are ve

Everything is a source of fun
(giggle)
Nobody's safe for ve care for none
(giggle)
Life is a game zat ve all have won
(giggle)
Three little maids are ve

Three princesses not too wary
Running our own sex seminary
Taught Nick a lot cos we like to vary
(giggle)
Three little maids are ve.
Three little maids are ve!
Violante One little maid is the mum of a Queen
Viennetta/ Viagra Two little maids are so very keen
Naxettes Three little maids are quite obscene
Three little maids are ve.
Three little maids are ve!
Violante From three little maids take vun away
Viennetta/ Viagra Two little maids remain and they
Naxettes Never wait long for some 'wheyhey!' (upon the word 'whey-hey' each should cover her right bicep with the palm of her left hand, and make a fist with her right hand, flexing the muscle as she does so)
Three little maids are ve.
Three little maids are ve!

Three little maids who all vant men
Ve all bedded Nick in a morning, Then
Ve vorked our way through the council of ten

Three little maids are ve
Three little maids are ve.
DeSlime So - you say that the accused is a promiscuous philanderer?
Naxettes Oh yes.
DeSlime So, how many of you ladies have slept with the accused?

Violante/
Viennetta/
Viagra

}
} (in unison, each raising her right hand) I did!
}

Viennetta Ve'll it might have been him
Viagra And all men look alike in the dark
Violante Especially if they're blond and sexy and in a tent.
Viennetta It's SO difficult to tell them apart in the dark.
Viagra You have to mark them.
Violante Permanently
Viagra I scratch a Maltese Cross with a piece of glass, you know.
Thank you ladies. Having proved, that the accused is immoral and that he was unfaithful to all three of his wives, you may go.
(they exit, as they do so, Violante hands DeSlime her business card)
Violante My phone number, sveetie. Call me. Soon.
(the Naxettes return to their seats, making eyes at the audience as they do so)
DeSlime I now recall Miss Van Borselen to the stand for some more poisonous, twisted and damning evidence.
(enter Gelis,SL, scowling, and stomping her feet. She wears an '18' badge)
Gelis WELL? WHAT NOW!?
Goro I wish to talk to the 28 year old Gelis, Dame De Fleury.
Gelis (removes the badge and smiles sweetly) How may I be of help?
Goro We heard the bitter testimony of your 18 year old self. I believe that in recent years you have re-examined this view. Tell us a little of your thought processes.
Gelis Nicholas is not the easiest person to get to know. There are many facets to him - and not all of them are pleasant.
DeSlime Oooh. Tell us more.
Goro Yes, think back to the moment when you finally made up your mind about Nicholas. Tell us what you were thinking.
SONG 13: FROM BOTH SIDES NOW (Gelis) (cd18)
Listen to the background music
Gelis Laughs and smiles and making fun
And knowing I'm the only one
That we are two who are as one,
I've looked at Nick that way
But think of Katelina's pain
He left her pregnant, near insane
Embittered, sad, then dead in vain,
That also is his way
I've looked at Nick from all sides now
As clown and schemer, still somehow
It's Nick's illusions cloud the clear.
Is this the man I've learned to fear?
Fun and games and business deals
The dizzy dancing way you feel
When every childhood dream comes real
I've looked at Nick that way
But am I just the latest show?
He'll break me, take my child and go
I'm scared he'll never let me know
Won't give himself away
I've looked at Nick from all sides now
From love and hate and still somehow
It's love's sad longings I recall
I really don't know Nick at all
The beaten child, the hardened man
The hurt, the triumph and the plan;
The music that he can't quite stand
They're all Nick in a way
And now I know what I must do
I'm tired of fighting: I'll be true
And he will do what he must do
I'll risk my all and stay
I've looked at Nick from all sides now
I've been a fool, and broke a vow,
But with him and his family
I'll trust the man he wants to be
FFJ Quiet! Go away! Get Out! Closing arguments NOW!
Gelis (to FFJ, sunnily) Have a nice day, old man! (she exits, SL)
SONG 14: I HAVE A SONG TO SING-O (cd19)
Listen to the background music
DeSlime I have a song to sing-O
Jury (softly) Sing me your song-O
DeSlime It is sung to the wise: Who I advise
For you are the Jury true O
It's the song of a prentice boy not so dumb
Whose glance was merry but never glum
Who marched to a very different drum
As he schemed to destroy all his family

Heighdy, heighdy
Listen to me
He mustn't go free

He marched to a very different drum
As he schemed to destroy all his family.
Goro I have a song to sing-O
Jury Sing me your song-O
Goro It is sung with the ring
Of the truth that I sing
For you all to listen with care-O
It's the song of a child who was cast aside
With cruel blows and with comments snide
Who became an apprentice boy not so dumb
Whose glance was merry but never glum
Who marched to a very different drum
As he fought to find love in a family

Heighdy, heighdy
Listen to me
Set this man free

He marched to a very different drum
As he fought to find love in a family.
DeSlime I have a song to sing-O
Jury Sing me your song-O
DeSlime It is sung to the knell Of a churchyard bell
And a doleful dirge ding dong-O
It's the song of a man who a cannon sank
Who killed a king and who broke a bank
It's the song of a bastard taken in
By a poor widow woman his dupe and kin
Who became an apprentice boy not so dumb
Whose glance was merry but never glum
Who marched to a very different drum
As he schemed to destroy all his family

Heighdy, heighdy
Listen to me
He mustn't go free

He marched to a very different drum
As he schemed to destroy all his family.
Goro I have a song to sing-O
Jury (strongly) Sing me your song-O
Goro It is sung with a sigh and a tear in the eye
For it tells of a righted wrong-O
It's the song of a man once despised and scorned
Who stayed true blue and was not suborned
Who many a man has cause to thank
Who helped a King and who built a bank
It's the song of a child who was cast aside
With cruel blows and with comments snide
Who became an apprentice boy not so dumb
Whose glance was merry but never glum
Who marched to a very different drum
As he fought to find love in a family

Heighdy, heighdy
Listen to me
Set this man free

He marched to a very different drum
As he fought to find love in a family.
(the Jury appears convinced of Nicholas's innocence by joining in enthusiastically with Goro's final chorus)
Goro & Jury Heighdy, heighdy
We listen to thee
We'll set this man free

He'll march to a very different drum
As he's freed to the love of his family.
Goro (triumphantly) The defence rests!
FFJ Gentlemen of the Jury. I know you will reach an impartial verdict, and that it WON'T be Not Guilty. If you are tempted to find the defendant Not Guilty, just remember your enormous debts to the Vatachino and the grave risk to your own personal safety.
 
SONG 15: HERE'S A HOW-DE-DO (cd20)
Listen to the background music
Jury Odd Here's a how-de-do
Jury Even What are we to do?
Jury To defy the judge this jury
Will incur his lordship's fury
And that day we'll rue
It will never do
Here's a how-de-do!
Jury Odd Here's a state of things
Jury Even Here's a state of things
Jury We now face a dire condition:
Damn the prisner to perdition?
Evil this way stings.
If only we had wings
Here's a state of things!
Jury Odd Here's a pretty mess
Jury Even If he would confess
Jury We would then be free to go
Our debts all paid in gold and so
We'd feel a lack of stress
Here's a pretty mess!
Here's a pretty mess!
Jury Odd Oh we know the prisner's innocent and good and true
Jury Even But if we say he's not guilty then our debts fall due
Jury Odd So innocent won't do
Jury Even But guilty is not true
Jury

Here's a pretty state of things
Here's a pretty how-de-do
Here's a pretty state of things
A pretty state of things

Here's a Dunnett plot
A truly Gordian knot
We read it with mixed emotion
Irritation and devotion
Here's a pretty how-de-do
Oh yes
Jury 1 (spoken) Here's a pretty how de do!
(The Jury foreman consults the Jury as to their verdict - this done in low speaking voices, with lots of nods)
Jury 1 You honour, we have reached a verdict in accordance with Scottish law
FFJ Good.
Jury 1 The verdict is Not...
FFJ Stop! I trust you aren't about to give a verdict of Not Guilty!
Jury 1 (sounded shocked) Not for a moment m'lud.
FFJ Good
Jury 1 No, the verdict is Not Proven!
FFJ What?!
Jury 1 That charges against the victim have not been proven. He is free to go!
FFJ This is a disgrace!
DeSlime His character IS ruined. Everyone will believe that he's guilty but that it couldn't be proved beyond reasonable doubt
Goro But it's quite legal in Scotland. The defendant is free, and cannot be retried for the same crimes.
FFJ (removing wig) Oh well. This is a Gilbert and Sullivan Pastiche, so it should come as no surprise that I am secretly very pleased that my grandson has been acquitted. I've always wished him well. I've secretly been on his side all along. But it's so hard for me - you see, I'm old, and sad, and alone.
Jury (with genuine sympathy) Aaah.
FFJ So old, so sad, so alone. Perhaps I should end it all.
Violante (standing) Not with Violante to keep you going, dahlink! (she starts to make her way to the stage)
Viennetta (standing) And a slice of Viennetta every night is just what the doctor ordered! (she starts to make her way to the stage)
Viagra (standing) And you can keep going forever with Viagra! (she starts to make her way to the stage)
FFJ (walks to the front of the stage where the Naxettes make cow eyes are him, etc) The Jury's debts are forgiven! The prisoner is free to go! And I do believe that I am about to die exhausted but VERY happy!
DeSlime Three cheers for the happy menage a quattre, and for Lady Dunnett!
Goro Hip Hip
All (including those cast members in the audience, all those on stage stand) Hooray!
Goro Hip Hip
All (the jury line up and face the audience) Hooray!
Goro Hip Hip
All (the rest of the cast make their way to the stage) Hooray!
Finale LineUp

SONG 16: LOOK WHAT LADY DUNNETT HAS DONE (done done) (cd21)
Listen to the background music - can you fit the words to the music?
Now Listen to it played more slowly. Any luck yet?
Jury Look what Lady Dunnett has done
All done done
Jury She's just gone and written
A new book: We're smitten
We hope it's not the final one
All one one
Jury There is Johnson eight still to come:
But the others give joy by the ton
All ton ton
Jury With Gabriel, the Dame
And a chase and a Game
And a twist in the tale that will stun
All stun stun
Jury And headaches and blindness: What fun!
And Beltanno and Johnson fight scum
All scum scum
Jury There's Margot and our Wendy's mum
All mum mum
Jury And still there's Lulach, Thorfinn and Groa
And Toby, Ochoa
And Will Scott
And still there's Marthe, Austin, Joleta
Ludovic, Joneta
And Sim
Kate, Archie and Clem
And Rita (a gem)
The Saint Mary's crew
And old Wat Buccleuch,
Jerrott and Richard too
All It's too good to be true!

THE END

© Simon Hedges, 2001


Version 5.0 - Adaptation for Philly
Version 5.1 - Adjust Julius and Anna's lines & actions, minor tweaks as proposed by Liz Ignatuk, Complete links to cast page.
Version 5.2 - Bigwig Song - replace 'it's laid' with 'decayed'.
Version 5.3 - Tweak words of TGWTWL's song. Remove more Jury stand/sit instructions, add note regarding ushers from the start of the script. Add 'What!?' for FFJ when the Foreman says 'Not Proven'
Version 5.4 - Bigwig song: replace 'entombed you know / In St Michael's' with 'entombed below / St Michael's'. Add stage directions for Naxettes' scene with FFJ. Add 'VERY' to FFJ's final speech.
Version 5.5 - Spelling corrections.
Version 6.0 - Addition of links to Midi files, 3 Jul 2001