Note E401

The Charges

DeSlime proceeds to list charges. Thanks are due to Karen Rex who provided a long list of things which could laid at the door of Nicholas (longer than the charges I ended up listing). The charges are mixture of ridiculous, true and plausible.

Read Charges
Raped his sister in law
His sister in law (though not at the time) is Katelina
Murdered his stepson
Felix Charetty
Corrupted his nephew
Diniz (who is not, in fact, directly his nephew but is in fact his cousin (if you accept that Simon is Nicholas's father) and also, by marriage, his nephew-in-law (he's Katelina's nephew, and Katelina is his sister-in-law).
Killed his cousin
Adelina (who is, in fact, his aunt. Sort of)
Destroyed Trebizond, Iceland, Scotland and Burgundy.
He didn't destroy any of these places - the nearest to the truth is Scotland, which he did damage in the infamous Scottish Plan.
And, of course, murdered ME in cold blood!
Killed DeSlime. This charge was added in June 2001 when Gemini was published - one of only about 4 changes made to the script as a result of Gemini.

I've Got A Little List

This song, 'I've Got A Little List' taken from the Gilbert and Sullivan opera 'The Mikado' was one of the 'must haves' for the Nikado, along with 'Three Little Maids'. It's an extremely famous song, can be sing by almost anyone with clear speech, and fits the purpose of the list of charges very well. It was, as with most Nikado songs, cut down significantly in length from the Original. The song needs to be interpreted rather than just sung, and Cleo Kearns did this brilliantly.

Note that the original lyrics (written in the 1880s) contain racist language which may offend.

I've Got A Little List
Original Lyric Nikado Lyric Reference
As some day it may happen Today it now has happened  
That a victim must be found That a villain has been found:  
I've got a little list His crimes are on this list,  
I've got a little list I've got a little list  
Of society offenders He's a criminal offender  
Who might well be underground Who has been too long around  
And who never would be missed And who never would be missed.  
Who never would be missed! I think you get the gist  
There's the pestilential nuisances He seduces women, boys and girls, Marian, Naxettes, Primaflora, Mabelie, Katelina, Gelis, Diniz
Who write for autographs He brought Burgundy low, No evidence whatsoever
All people who have flabby hands

He bankrupted poor Scotland

The Scottish Plan
And irritating laughs Causes accidents with snow The avalanche in Niccolo Rising
All children who are up in dates His family they dye The Charetty Dyeworks
And floor you with 'em flat In all the senses of the word Felix, Lucia, Adelina, Marian, Cornelis, Jaak
All persons who in shaking hands And yet nothing of his inner thoughts  
Shake hands with you like that Is ever to be heard  
And all third persons who on He carouses around Danzig With Benecke
Spoiling tete-a-tetes insist And is permanently pissed  
They'd none of 'em be missed I think you get the gist  
They'd none of 'em be missed! I need a longer list  
He's got 'em on the list Indeed we get the gist
He's got 'em on the list; You need a longer list

And they'll none of 'em be missed Yes indeed we get the gist  
They'll none of 'em be missed. You need a longer list  
There's the nigger serenader He betrayed the Queen of Cyprus Carlotta whom he served under duress
And the others of his race And he had to be dismissed  
And the piano-organist That crime too is on the list  
I've got him on the list! O yes it's on the list  
And the people who eat peppermint He killed his first wife's son and heir Felix
And puff it in your face Who is so deeply missed  
They never would be missed This is a growing list  
They never would be missed! There's no end to this list  
Then the idiot who praises, Oh the child he claimed as brother was Henry
With enthusiastic tone, From incest born his son Incest after the fact: Henry was his child by the sister (Katelina) of his wife (Gelis)
All centuries but this And he hides his cruel wickedness  
And every country but his own With superficial fun  
And the lady from the provinces In bed he turns both ways Alexios/Nerio, Diniz
Who dresses like a guy His nephew he corrupted too Diniz (see above for definition of 'Nephew'
And who "doesn't think she waltzes He associates with reprobates  
But would rather like to try" Of every creed and hue Umar, and miscellaneous Muslims
And that singular anomaly He then stole the Vatachino's gold The Ghost shenanigans in Scales of Gold
The lady novelist I bet he cheats at Whist!  
I don't think she'd be missed He is guilty I insist  
I'm sure she'd not he missed! He never would be missed  
He's got her on the list He is guilty we insist
he's got her on the list And he never would be missed  
And I don't think she'll be missed He is guilty we insist  
I'm sure she'll not be missed! He never would be missed  
And that Nisi Prius nuisance

Who just now is rather rife    
The Judicial humorist    
I've got him on the list!    
All funny fellows, comic men,    
And clowns of private life    
They'd none of 'em be missed    
They'd none of 'em be missed    
And apologetic statesmen    
Of a compromising kind,    
Such as--What d'ye call him    
Thing'em-bob, and    


And 'St--'st--'st--    
And What's-his-name    
And also You-know-who    
The task of filling up the blanks    
I'd rather leave to you.    
But it really doesn't matter whom    
You put upon the list    
For they'd none of 'em be missed    
They'd none of 'em be missed!    
You may put 'em on the list    
You may put 'em on the list    
And they'll none of 'em be missed    
they'll none of 'em be missed!    

Updated 06 Jan 2002
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