Final Script
(Edinburgh)
10 Jul 00
|
Final Script |
|
An Operetta, based on the works of Dorothy Dunnett and Gilbert
& Sullivan, to be performed at Edinburgh and Philadelphia in July and September
2000.
Written by Simon Hedges, with Heather Fletcher, Tina Dallas and Cindy Byrne.
Dorothy Dunnett knows about this Operetta, and has not objected! This script
and its contents are not to be disseminated without permission of the Authors.
|
wall at the rear of the stage
|
||
| Stage Right |  |
Stage Left |
|
audience
|
||
|
(stage Right)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Stage .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .(stage Left)
|
|||||||||||||||
|
S T E P S |
tgwtwl
|
ffj
|
nicholas
|
sophie
|
claes
|
marian
|
S T E P S |
buttwrang | |||||||
|
julius
|
ludo
|
ludobanner | |||||||||||||
|
astorre
|
viennetta
|
gods
|
godscbanner
|
|
|
|||||||||||
|
anna
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
bel
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
viagra
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
gelis
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|||||||||||||||
|
kathi
|
niccie
|
|
|
|||||||||||||
|
violante|
|
|||||||||||||||
|
vid1pal
|
vid1ntsc
|
vid2pal
|
vid2ntsc
|
|
|
|||||||||||
|
Rear Wall of Lecture Theatre
|
|||||||||||||||
Jury seating plan. The right hand side will be against the wall, with the fire exit to their backs, and the left hand side will be facing the stage area. This area is represented by the oblong marked 'E' on the main plan. Each juror will have a chair to sit on. There will be no table, barrier or other impediment to prevent people from leaving the Jury seats and being on the main part of the stage area.
|
S T A G E |
J09
|
Usher 1/J06
|
W A L L |
|
J08
|
J03
|
||
|
J07
|
J02
|
||
|
J05
|
Katelina/J11
|
||
|
J04
|
J12
|
||
|
Adoring Maiden 1/J13
|
J14
|
||
|
|
J15
|
||
|
Foreman (J01)
|
Usher2/J10/Simon
|
Note E003
Conventions: Character Names in bold, Stage Directions in
(brackets and italics), CAPITALS indicate stress/volume. SR=Stage Right,
SL=Stage Left.
| Note E004 (As the Audience enters, it discovers DeSlime and, Goro, and the Jury, already sat as per the above diagram and wearing masks. Other cast members are seated in amongst the audience. FFJ is masked. As soon as the audience is seated, and at the nod from Simon, the proceeding start). | |
| Usher 1 | (loudly yells). Silence in court! |
| Usher 2 | Silence in court! |
| Silence in court! | |
| Liz stands and removes her mask, placing it on the Judge's table, and so does DeSlime. | |
| Liz |
Note E005 Good evening. Some of you may remember that at the 1994 Edinburgh Gathering, an Opera, "Francesco Y Filipa" was performed. Many people, some of them here, contributed to it, but the inspiration and the driving force behind it was Tovah Hollander. Sadly, Tovah died shortly after the Gathering, and we would like to dedicate tonight's entertainment to her. The following operetta is based mostly, but not entirely, upon the works of Gilbert & Sullivan. Please do join in with gusto when you are asked to. Now, without further ado, we present tonight's production, based, somewhat loosely, on the House of Niccolo series: "The Nikado, or, Trial of De Fleury" Being the transcript of the proceedings against Sir Nicol de Fleury, the former Lord Beltrees, at the Sheriff's high court in Edinburgh, the 23rd day of July in this two thousandth year of grace" |
|
Note E006 ( Liz sits, the CD controller starts the Overture music). |
|
SONG 1: OVERTURE FOR THE NIKADO (cd01)
|
|
( The moment the music stops, TGWTWL enters, SR. TGWTWL's leg makes a loud stumping noise) |
SONG 2: I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO TRADE (cd02)
|
|
| TGWTWL |
I'd like to teach the world to trade |
| Jury | Venice to Cathay To Guinea all the way |
| TGWTWL | (the Jury are now swaying from side to
side, and waving seaside paper national flags) And then the stacks of alum sacks Bring profit back to me Then ledgers tote the trading score The scales they weigh the gold As though no fool of either sex Will come to break the mould And treat trade |
| Jury | ___________TRADE! |
| TGWTWL |
__________________as
just a game |
| (Exit TGWTWL SL as the ushers start to announce FFJ) | |
| Usher 1 | Note E202(stands and announces, very loudly, and remains standing) All rise for his corpulence: Jordan de St Pol of Brittany! |
| Usher 2 | (stands and announces, very loudly, and remains standing) All rise for his crapulence: Jordan St Pol of Bruges! |
| (All those on stage stand, as FFJ enters and seats himself in the Judge's chair. He holds a gavel. The Jury are to the right of the stage. DeSlime is to the left – holding a large scroll, Goro is to the right. FFJ rises, smiling insincerely) | |
| Usher 3 | (while Jordan is making his way to his seat, stands and announces, very loudly) All rise for his flatulence: Jordan Semple of Kilmirren! |
| (all cast members in the audience stand, and remain standing until FFJ is seated) | |
| FFJ | Note 203 Be seated. |
| (All cast members sit) | |
| FFJ | (with syrupy and unconvincing sympathy and sorrow) I am Jordan St Pol of Kilmirren and it is my sad sad duty to preside over the trial of Niccolo De Fleury. I have always taken a kindly interest in the young man's upbringing, but I am, course, completely impartial, and so will ignore the whitewashed version of events recorded in that deeply biased book, GEMINI. I am here to determine the truth. As I see it. And be warned, I will brook no disruption in my courtroom: I've got a ring, and as you will be aware, I'm not afraid to use it! |
| Note 204(All on stage touches their right hand to their left cheek) | |
| FFJ | We will now swear in the Jury. Monsieur DeSalmeton I trust that they an appropriate cross section of society? |
| DeSlime | (stands) Yes, m'lud. The Vatachino archives provided me with a list of people who are unbelievably in debt AND are terrified of physical violence. |
| Goro | (Standing, Indignantly) Objection! |
| FFJ | Overruled. |
| (DeSlime and Goro sit) | |
| FFJ | Now Jury - take your Oath, and remember that debtors' prisons and facial scarring are very unpleasant things indeed. |
| Note 205 (the Jury stands, right hand flat on left breast) | |
SONG 3: WE ALL SWEAR TO DO OUR DUTY (cd03)
|
|
| Jury | We all swear to do
our duty We know truth's akin to beauty That is all we need to know to be free Fifteen men on a Scots jury Fearing favour not, nor fury Honest, truthful, just and open to Briberee Evidence will pile in mountains Truth will shine like crystal fountains Guiding us in our deliberations Pleading words will not affect us We'll do what the judge directs us Then we'll pocket cold hard gold and we will go For we are wee tim'rous beasties We will say that West is where the East is To placate the Vatachino |
| (the Jury sits again) | |
| FFJ | To help this Jury of 15 good local Scots to find the defendant guilty, the Prosecution Lawyer, David DeSalmeton will read the charges. |
| DeSlime |
(smirking he stands up, taking from the Judge's table the scroll of
charges) |
SONG 4: I'VE GOT A LITTLE LIST (cd04)
|
|
| DeSlime |
Today it now has happened He seduces women, boys and girls, |
| Jury |
(Jury stands) |
| DeSlime | He betrayed the Queen of Cyprus
And he had to be dismissed That crime too is on the list O yes it's on the list He killed his first wife's son and heir Who is so deeply missed This is a growing list |
| Jury | (Jury stands) There's no end to this list (Jury sits) |
| DeSlime | Oh the child he claimed as brother
was From incest born his son And he hides his cruel wickedness With superficial fun In bed he turns both ways His nephew he corrupted too He associates with reprobates Of every creed and hue He then stole the Vatachino's gold I bet he cheats at Whist! He is guilty I insist He never would be missed |
| Jury | (Jury stands) He is guilty we insist And he never would be missed He is guilty we insist He never would be missed (Jury sits) |
| DeSlime | Note 0402 I now call my first witness - Miss G. Van Borselen, at the age of 18. |
| Usher 1 | (standing) Call Gelis Van Borselen, aged 18. (says Gelis with a hard G as in Get) (sits again) |
| (Gelis starts making her way to the stage. She looks haughty and snooty) | |
| Usher 2 | (standing) Call Gelis Van Borselen, aged 18. (says Gelis with a soft G as in Gem) (sits again, as Gelis starts making her way to the stage) |
| Usher 3 | (standing) Call Gelis Van Borselen, aged 18.(says Gelis with a Flemish guttural G) (sits again) |
| Gelis | (snappily) What d'you want? |
| DeSlime | Miss Van Borselen, are you feeling sulky, resentful, bad-tempered in a witty kind of a way, and hopelessly in love with the defendant whom you also fear and despise? |
| Gelis | (snappily) Yes. |
| DeSlime |
(smiling like a cat that has got the cream) In that
case, please tell us the history of the defendant's relations with your
sister, the easily pronounceable Katelina Van Borselen. Perhaps some members
of the Jury or the Public Gallery would assist? |
SONG 5: A SCOTSMAN CAME TO THE TOWN OF BRUGES (cd05)
|
||
| (The characters take up their positions while intro music plays, ready to act out the song silently. The butterfly wrangler also takes up his position) | ||
| Gelis | A Scotsman came to the town
of Bruges And all around (with the aid of rouge) Were maidens of every sort and type Who, should he pluck, would fall just ripe. But for them the Scotsman felt no whim Though he charmed them they charmed not him Their chances of marriage were all too slim For this Narcissus was cute but dim |
Simon walks across the stage, and is surrounded by adoring women, who he brushes aside. They try to get his attention, but still he ignores them, instead he practices with a sword and admires himself in a mirror. They get a little bored and start to drift away, and he notices this surreptitiously, so he strides nobly past them, catching their attention again. |
| Jury & Gelis |
(Jury stands) |
Again they admire Simon, and again he ignores them. Katelina then walks past him haughtily. He bows to her. She nods to him frostily and carries on - |
| Gelis |
A maiden lived in the town of Bruges |
because she's seen Claes who, holding a hank of wool under one arm, is juggling at the other end of the stage. Katelina is fascinated by him. Simon is fascinated by her. Then the adoring women come and take Simon off with them, so he can no longer see Katelina. As this is going on the Butterfly Wrangler takes the pole from FFJ's table, and dangles the moths round her head. She screams silently holding her hands over her mouth, and then covering her head with her hands as the moths come closer. Claes sees her. He swats away the moths. She kisses him on the cheek. |
| Jury & Gelis | (Jury stands) A working boy A working boy This most athletic Very magnetic Man of love and joy Left her at a loss When he married his boss Her riches to enjoy This most athletic Very magnetic Man of love and joy Left her at a loss When he married his boss Her riches to enjoy (Jury sits) |
Claes and Katelina hold hands and walk on around the stage. Then Claes sees Marian. She is sat on the witness chair looking downcast, and holding a ledger and dabbing a handkerchief to her eyes. Claes looks at her and takes a step in her direction. But Katelina is still holding his hand. |
| Gelis | Deserted by her low born
lad The high born girl became so sad. She turned on her suitor and called him a churl With the conduct of an oaf and the talents of a girl But when she found she was with child She became compliant and meek and mild And turned to her suitor so cute but dim And declared to the world that she'd marry him |
Claes looks back at Katelina, and then again at Marian. He pulls away from Katelina and goes to comfort Marian, dropping the wool as he does so. Katelina is furious and clenches her fists and stamps her feet on the wool. He crouches down by Marian, talking to her and holding her hands. He wipes a tear from her cheek. Simon has now escaped from the adoring women who leave the stage, and turns back towards Katelina. She is still furious, and you can see her mouth the words 'the conduct of an oaf and the talents of a girl' at him. Simon turns away. Katelina puts her hands to her belly and realises that she is pregnant. She looks at Claes but he is with Marian and doesn't see her. She taps Simon on the shoulder and he turns. Katelina blows him a kiss and smiles coquettishly at him. Simon goes down on one knee, and she raises him up. |
| Jury & Gelis |
(Jury stands) |
At the same time Marian and Claes leave the stage together. Katelina and Simon hold hands and starts to leave the stage. As they do so, Katelina breaks free for a moment, and picks up the hank of wool, tucking it under her arms where Simon cannot see it. As they leave the stage Simon is smiling triumphantly, and Katelina looks sad. |
| DeSlime | Thank you Jel- Ggel- Gh. Thank you Miss Van Borselen, aged 18. You may go. |
| Gelis | She was stupid! So stupid. I hate her! (pause) I love her. I hate her, I love him. Oh! |
| DeSlime | That will be all. Go! |
| (exit Gelis SL) | |
| Goro | I now call Katelijne Sersanders |
| Usher 1 | (stands) Call Katelijne Sersanders! (sits) |
| Usher 2 | (stands) Call Kathi Sersanders! (sits, Kathi starts to leave her seat) |
| Usher 3 | (stands) Call Dame Kathi Crawford of Berecrofts! (sits) |
| (Kathi bounds on SR, dressed as a little girl and holding a very large lollipop. She exudes happiness and enthusiasm from every pore of her being. She speaks like a little girl - Shirley Temple for example) | |
| Kathi | (waving to the audience) Hello everyone! (cups hand behind ear, indicating that a response is required from the audience) |
| Audience | (feebly) Hello. |
| Kathi | (points to her chest) My name'th Kathi What'th YOURTH? (pointing to Audience, with arm at full length) |
| Audience | (mutters half-heartedly. A few people call out their names) |
| Kathi | (proudly) I'm going to the dentitht tomorrow, coth I've lotht my tooth. And did you know that Dentithtth are an anachronithm - jutht like Maithe in 15th Thentury Africa! |
| Goro | (stands) Ahem. Miss Sersanders. You come from a good family. Is that correct? |
| Kathi | Oh yeth. Anthelm Adorne'th my uncle. And I'm Anthelm Therthanderth'th thithter. |
| Goro | I see. Now tell me about Niccolo de Fleury. He's your good friend I believe? |
| Kathi | He'th my betht friend! I love him lotth! |
| DeSlime | (standing, interrupting) So! There's a RELATIONSHIP between you and this man, Cassie? |
| Kathi | Thilly man! I'm not Cathie, I'm Kathi. |
| DeSlime | I said Cassie. |
| Kathi | No you said..... Oh never mind. I am a woman of the intellect not the body, and I can rithe above it. |
| DeSlime | You say there's a relationship between you? But you are a married woman! |
| Kathi | Not THAT kind of relationship. You thee: |
SONG 6: HE'S MY GOOD FRIEND NICCOLO (cd06)
|
||
| (she sings the song in a very bouncy manner. She gestures and waves, and licks her lollipop and is just all round 100% cute as a button. Goro and DeSlime sit) | ||
| Kathi | He'th
my good friend Niccolo When we meet up I am all aglow But not thexually: Our relathionthip'th completely thex-free I thometimeth call him Banco And he'th very nithe you know But it'th thex free: He'th not into thex at all (with me) (shakes head and crosses hands, palms down, and then spreads them wide in a gesture of denial) Now I'm wed to Rob And it'th a good job That he'th so pa-thient with me When we're in the thack I lie back And I think of Burgundy He'th my good friend Niccolo Thide by thide in thunthine thand and thnow Betht friendth you thee In a way that'th tho THEX FREE!!! |
|
| Kathi | At least I think tho! (giggle) |
| Goodbye, I have to go and bring light and joy into other people'th liveth. (she waves both hands at the audience excitedly) Byeeeee! | |
| Audience /Jury | Bye! |
| (exit Kathi SR) | |
| DeSlime | (stands) I call the defendant's first wife to give evidence against the accused. |
| Usher 1 | Note E602 Call Marian Damparis |
| Usher 2 | Call Marian Charetty |
| Usher 3 | Call Marian Van Der Poeler |
| Marian | (stands. She is facing the stage so is speaking loudly and clearly so that the audience can hear) I won't give evidence against him! I loved him! I even let him see me with my hair down! |
| FFJ | Silence. Get up here and give evidence. Now! |
| (Goro sits and Marian enters SR) | |
| DeSlime | It's true, is it not, that soon after the defendant came to live with you, your husband died? |
| Marian | Well, yes. |
| DeSlime | And it's true, is it not, that soon after the defendant married you, your son Felix was killed? |
| Marian | Well, yes. |
| DeSlime | And it's true, is it not, that your daughter Catherine then ran away from home? |
| Marian | Well, yes. |
| DeSlime | In fear of her life, no doubt. And it's true, is it not, that soon afterwards you yourself died in mysterious circumstances? |
| Marian | Ah, but I DO know about that.... |
| FFJ | The witness is dismissed. No more questions (bangs gavel) Sit down now. |
| Goro | (standing) I object! |
| FFJ | You always do. Now shutup or be thrown out. |
| Marian | (loudly and desperately as the music starts) Listen to me. You MUST listen! |
SONG 7: FROM BOTH SIDES NOW (Marian)
(cd07)
|
|
| Marian |
I've looked at Nick from both sides now |
| FFJ | (bangs gavel loudly) Enough! Sit Down. (Marian exits, SL, Sophie enters SR and sits in the Witness chair) Call the next Witness. |
| Usher 1 | Note E702 (stands) Call Anna, Countess von Wenzel (sits) |
| Usher 2 | (stands) Call Adelina De Fleury (sits) |
| Usher 3 | (stands) Call the nut with the knife (sits) |
| (Anna is now on stage she does not see Sophie. Sophie dabs at her eyes with a hankie, and looks unobtrusively sad) | |
| Goro | Tell us about your childhood with the defendant |
| Anna | Kill! Kill! Kill! |
| Goro | (gets out a pendulum and starts to hypnotise Anna) I want you to cast your mind back to when your and Nicholas were children together... |
| Goro/Anna | ...together... ...together... (harp music plays as we are wafted back into Adelina's past.(cd08) Goro sits) |
| Anna | (speaking in a trance-like voice to the Audience) He was so nice to me. And he always loved his mother. I remember one day when Jaak was away, I danced for them. It seems so long ago. It was a lovely sunny day... |
| Niccie | Note 703 (getting up from his seat in the Aisle, carrying the music box. He talks as he walks towards the stage area) What a lovely sunny day! Hello Clouds! Hello Sky! (he sees Sophie) Hello Mother Dearest. Art thou weeping? Despair not, sweetest Mama - I have a present for you. It's a music box I made. |
| Sophie | Niccie, how lovely! I know you're not too bright but I AM glad you're good with your hands |
| Niccie | Note 703 Thank you Dearest heart. Listen to the tune. And Uncle Jaak has excused Addie from her special lessons so that she can dance for you |
| Sophie | Oh Niccie! Despite all my cares and woes, you ALways cheer me up! |
| (sigh contentedly) | |
| Niccie | Oh Dearest heart, I'd do anything for you! (Niccie opens the lid of the music box and, hands it to Sophie and sings as it plays) |
SONG
8: I'D DO ANYTHING (cd09)
|
||
| (the first verse is sung lightheartedly) | ||
| Niccie |
I'd do anything |
(Niccie looks down at Sophie who looks up, smiling through her tears) |
| Sophie | Would you tie my shoe? | |
| Niccie | Anything. | |
| Sophie | Ride an ostrich too? | |
| Niccie | Anything. | |
| Sophie | Dye your hands bright blue? | |
| Niccie | Anything. | |
| Sophie | Go to Timbuktu? | |
| Niccie | And back again I'd do anything For one smile anything Yes I'd do anything |
|
| Sophie | Anything? | |
| Niccie | Anything for you! | |
| Sophie | Will you play the game? | |
| Niccie | Anything. | |
| Sophie | Will you gain great fame? | (becoming more serious) |
| Niccie | Anything. | (she stands) |
| Sophie | Will you clear my name? | (serious now) |
| Niccie | Anything. | (now also responding seriously. He senses that this is important to Sophie. She puts a hand on his shoulder) |
| Sophie | And wipe out my shame? | (deadly serious. This is the motivation for 8 books and a prequel) |
| Niccie |
Oh, utterly! |
|
| FFJ/Sophie | Anything? | |
| Niccie | Anything for you. | |
| (the music box winds down, and Niccie looks sad. Sophie smooths his cheek) | |
| Sophie | My darling boy. You know I'd die sooner than hurt you. |
| Niccie | Oh Mother, why does everything lovely... |
| Niccie/Anna | ...always end... |
| Anna | Note E802 (in a trancelike voice)...end...end..end....(harplike music wafts Anna back to the present (cd10) Sophie sits back on her chair, and Niccie sits beside her) |
| Goro | Thank you. Proof that the prisoner was a loving and devoted son. |
| FFJ | And prepared to do ANYTHING AT ALL for his mother. We have a revenge motive. But let's hear more from the countess - and her second husband. |
| Julius | That's me! Wait a moment! (he hurries to the Stage and stands next to Anna) |
| Goro | Now Anna. Tell us why you married Julius. |
| Anna | Kill! Kill! Kill! |
| (Sophie and Niccie move to stand inconspicuously at the back of the stage) | |
| Goro | Oh dear (dangles pendulum and hypnotises her as he speaks). Why was Julius so attracted to you? |
| Anna | Because I was pretty enough for him. He never loved me for myself. No-one ever did. |
| (enter Julius SR. Anna curtseys to Julius , who bows to her) | |
| Anna | I'd call him shallow but it makes him sound too deep. You see, he always knew he was handsome... |
SONG 9: SMOOTH THE SILKEN KNEE (cd11)
|
||
| Julius | Smooth the silken knee
Show the shapely calf I full handsome be Other's only half Cut the golden hair Curl the handsome lip I need another half: A lovely ladyship! |
(Julius parades around the stage: he smooths his knee, he displays his calf, he stares nobly ahead in profile, he strokes his hair. He stops moving, standing to the left of Anna, with both of them facing the audience and, preferably, near a microphone! At the words 'I need another half' he holds out his hand to Anna. In her right hand she holds a dagger. They dance - moving together and apart, and moving towards the audience and away.) |
| Anna/Julius |
We then will share |
|
| Anna |
With the aid of dye |
(she strokes her hair) |
| You revenge can gain Avenge a life of pain Destroy a childhood friend To achieve an end |
(They separate: she is now completely bonkers in a suppressed kind of a way, wringing her hands, and acting in an agitated manner., Julius holds up the mirror that hangs from his waist and starts admiring himself - looking in the mirror, smoothing his knee, stroking his long blond locks etc) | |
| I then will
stand Purified by my own hand Destroy his peace |
||
| Anna/Julius | A Bloody painful Lovely perfect Masterpiece: Perfect beauty and despair / Perfect beauty in a pair |
|
| (Anna rushes off stage back to her seat weeping loudly. As she leaves the stage, Julius relieves her of her knife saying) | |
| Julius | That might come in handy one day. (he laughs softly and evilly) |
| (Exit Julius SR, as Ludo and Godscalc enter. Sophie and Niccie exit SL. Each priest has an attendant who collect a banner from the rear of the stage. Ludo's attendant's banner has a gruesome scene of a crusader, Godscalc's attendant's banner has a little lamb on it. Ludo is unkempt. In one hand he holds a half eaten chicken leg, which he bites. Godscalc holds a bible in his hand) | |
| Goro | (stands) Here are Godly character witnesses who will testify to the moral character and spiritual state of the defendant. Ludovico da Bologna and Father Godscalc. Father Godscalc, please give your testimony. (sits) |
| Godscalc | I'm going to need some help from my side of the congregation. That's you lot from this point to the wall. Will you sing with me? |
| Godscalc's side of the Audience (GSOTA) | Yes. |
| Godscalc | Good. I hope some of you know this tune. I'll sing the first couple of lines, and then you join in. |
| (Godscalc's attendant pulls the cloth from his banner to reveal a placard with lyrics on. At the start of the second line, Godscalc gestures the audience to join in, and point to the words with a stick which he has retrieved from FFJ's table) | |
SONG 10: ONWARD NICCO'S SOLDIERS
(Godscalc)(cd12)
|
|
| Godscalc |
Move your mighty company for the church of God; |
| Godscalc & GSOTA | We are pledged to save souls,
not to search for gold; To spread hope and doctrine, and not be bought and sold. Onward, Nicco's soldiers, marching as to war, To repel the evil which we all abhor. |
| Ludo | Hmm. Nice sentiments, but a bit impractical. I'm going to give my testimony now, and I'm sure my side of the congregation will join in with me and be MUCH LOUDER than yours. After the second line! |
| (Ludo's attendant pulls the cloth from the banner, to reveal a placard with lyrics on. At the start of the second line, Ludo gestures the audience to join in, and points to the words with a stick, taken from the table in front of FFJ) | |
SONG
10: ONWARD NICCO'S
SOLDIERS (Ludo)(cd13)
|
|
| Ludo |
Crowns and thrones may bicker, kingdoms rise and
wane, |
| Ludo & LSOTA | Gates of hell don't scare me,
so don't think you can; I need arms and money too, from each and every man. Onward, Nicco's soldiers, marching as to war, To repel the Sultan whom we all abhor |
| Godscalc | Not impressive. My side of the Audience agrees with me that selfless sacrifice to save souls, including Nicholas's, and reaching Prester John are the most important. (to GSOTA) Don't you? |
| GSOTA | Yes! |
| Ludo | And my side of the audience agrees with me that defeating the infidel and freeing the holy sites and uniting the Church is the most important thing: and the end justifies the means. Don't you? |
| LSOTA | Yes! |
| Ludo | You'll have to do better than that. You do agree with me don't you? |
| Godscalc | I hate to be competitive, or put anyone down, but your side of the audience sucks. (to GSOTA) Don't they? |
| GSOTA | YES!! |
| Godscalc | And to prove it, we're going to sing louder than his side of the Audience. Aren't we? |
| GSOTA | YES!! |
| Ludo | Oh no you aren't! |
| Godscalc & GSOTA | Oh yes we are! |
| Ludo | Oh no you aren't! |
| Godscalc & GSOTA | Oh yes we are! |
| Ludo | Oh no you aren't! |
| Goro | Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's only one way to prove it. (to GSOTA) Are you ready to sing? |
| GSOTA | Yes. (or possibly No!) |
| Goro | (to Godscalc and Ludo) I've got an idea. Why don't you both sing at the same time? That way it's easy to tell who's louder, and it will save time. And why not sing the same words? You're meant to be on the same side. Can't you find some words that you can both agree on? You are men of God after all. |
| Ludo/ Godscalc | (sheepishly) I suppose so. |
| (Ludo's attendant and Godscalc's attendant turn the banners round to reveal the 'joint' words) | |
SONG
10: ONWARD NICCO'S SOLDIERS (Joint)(cd14)
|
|
| Ludo |
Onward then, young Nicco, with your motley gang,
|
| To repel the e/Sul vil/tan which/who we all abhor. | |
| FFJ | I think that little performance goes some way towards explaining the recent decline in church attendance. But exactly what did it tell us about the character and spiritual state of Niccolo de Fleury? |
| Goro | Nothing whatever m'lud. |
| FFJ | Witnesses dismissed! (bangs gavel). |
| (exit Godscalc and Ludo SL. Godscalc's Bannerman and Ludo's Bannerman return the banners to the rear of the stage, and exit, SL) | |
| Goro | Now let us move on to M de Fleury's time in the mercenary troupe. Call Captain Astorre. |
| Usher 1 | Call Astorre! |
| Ushers 2 & 3 | Call Astorre! |
| (enter Astorre, wearing an eyepatch) | |
| Goro | Now Captain Astorre, tell us something about your role and your experience with Niccolo de Fleury, bearing in mind that one of the most serious charges against him is the murder of Felix Charetty. |
SONG 11: I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A MERCEN'RY CONDOTTIERE (cd15)
|
|
| Astorre | I am the very model of a mercenary
condottiere I've evidence on Nick of which the jury should be made aware I know the Dukes of Burgundy; can quote Nick's fights historical From Naples through to Bruxieres in order categorical I'm very well acquainted though with rulers quite tyrannical But know a lot of swear words which upset the puritanical About Nichlas's antics I am teeming with a lot of news With many cheerful facts revealed by strumpets in the Flemish stews |
| Jury | With many cheerful facts revealed
by harlots in the Danzig stews With many cheerful facts revealed by doxies in Crimean stews With many cheerful facts about Nichlas without codpiece or shoes or trews |
| Astorre | I'm not to hot at calculating
cannon ball trajectories So leave that job to randy blue stained nailed Brugeoix apprentices With stitched up eye and ragged ear, I point my beard high in the air For I'm the very model of a mercenary condottiere |
| Jury | With stitched up eye and ragged
ear, he treats Nick like a son and heir He is the very model of a mercenary condottiere |
| Astorre | I told the Widow how her son died,
evry word I said was true He had fought well and was still fighting when the final bugle blew Though Nick's abortive rescue charge effectively obscured my view I swear on oath Felix's death was just a bolt out of the blue You asked for my credentials and for facts to judge Nicholas's guilt But I know nought of business or the trade on which his empire's built Blame him for the extinction of his fellows, say you're quite bereft But looking round I'd say there were too many of the buggers left! |
| Jury | Blame him for the extinction of
his kindred, say we're quite bereft But looking round he'd say there were too many of us buggers left How dare he say there are too many of us buggers (we're not buggers) left! |
| Astorre |
For he's my boy and innocent I beg you all his
life to spare |
| Goro | Thank you, Captain. |
| (Exit Astorre, SR) | |
| Goro | We have heard that Nicholas is innocent. |
| DeSlime | (stands) And we have also heard that Astorre's view was blocked. So the evidence is speculation not fact. Strike it from the record! Except the bit about the Stews and the Doxies. And call the next witness to prove Nicholas De Fleury to be an immoral and unfaithful philanderer. Call the Princesses of Naxos! |
| Usher 1 | Call the Princesses of Naxos |
| Usher 2 | Their Royal Highnesses of Naxos |
| Usher 3 | Call Violante... |
| Violante |
Coooee! |
| Usher 3 | ...Viennetta... |
| Viennetta | Over here dahlink! |
| Usher 3 | ...And Viagra |
| Viagra | I'll be up in a minute |
| (the Naxettes are the Gabor sisters - ripe ladies of a certain age who have no doubt whatever of their sexual attractiveness. They speak with Gabor accents and are dressed with much jewellery, the wear gloves, have handbags, and each wears a feather boa) | |
| Violante | Just a moment dahlink. (she continues on to the stage) |
| Viennetta | (she is sat next to a man, and speaks to him) Oh you naughty boy! I'd be offended if you veren't such a handsome young man! (she continues on to the stage) |
| Viagra | I'm coming. (She too continues onto the stage) |
| DeSlime | (stands) Now tell us... |
| Violante | (inspecting him) Vot a handsome man! |
| (Each Naxette holds a fan, with her name on it, they coyly fan themselves, whilst schmoozing sex at DeSlime, FFJ and the men in the audience, waving coyly and blowing kisses). | |
| DeSlime | Now, tell us about yourself, and the nature of your relationship with the accused. |
| (music starts, Goro sits) | |
| Violante | Of course, dahlink! |
| Naxettes | (give a low and dirty chortle) |
SONG 12: THREE LITTLE MAIDS OF NAXOS WE
(cd16)
|
||
| (Gustily and Lustily and high camp) | ||
| Naxettes | Three little maids
of Naxos ve Roaming around ze Aegean sea Since ve lost our virginiteeeee Three little maids are ve Everything is a source of fun (giggle) Nobody's safe for ve care for none (giggle) Life is a game zat ve all have won (giggle) Three little maids are ve Three princesses not too wary Running our own sex seminary Taught Nick a lot cos we like to vary (giggle) Three little maids are ve. Three little maids are ve! |
|
| Violante | One little maid is the mum of a Queen | |
| Viennetta/ Viagra | Two little maids are so very keen | |
| Naxettes | Three little maids are quite obscene
Three little maids are ve. Three little maids are ve! |
|
| Violante | From three little maids take vun away | |
| Viennetta/ Viagra | Two little maids remain and they | |
| Naxettes | Never wait long for some 'wheyhey!' | (upon the word 'whey-hey' each should cover her right bicep with the palm of her left hand, and make a fist with her right hand, flexing the muscle as she does so) |
| Three little
maids are ve. Three little maids are ve! Three little maids who all vant men Ve all bedded Nick in a morning, Then Ve vorked our way through the council of ten Three little maids are ve Three little maids are ve. |
||
| DeSlime | So - you say that the accused is a promiscuous philanderer? |
| Naxettes | Oh yes. |
| DeSlime | So, how many of you ladies have slept with the accused? |
|
} |
|
| Viennetta | Ve'll it might have been him |
| Viagra | And all men look alike in the dark |
| Violante | Especially if they're blond and sexy and in a tent. |
| Viennetta | And on the coast of North Africa |
| Viagra | With an Irishwoman |
| Violante | It's a major plot point in Pawn in Frankincense you know. |
| DeSlime | Thank you ladies. Having proved, that the accused is immoral and that he was unfaithful to all three of his wives, you may go. |
| (they exit, as they do so, Violante hands DeSlime her business card) | |
| Violante | My phone number, sveetie. Call me. Soon. |
| (the Naxettes return to their seats, making eyes at the audience as they do so) | |
| DeSlime | I now recall Miss Van Borselen to the stand for some more poisonous, twisted and damning evidence. |
| (enter Gelis,SL, scowling, and stomping her feet. She wears an '18' badge) | |
| Gelis | WELL? WHAT NOW!? |
| Goro | I wish to talk to the 28 year old Gelis, Dame De Fleury. |
| Gelis | (removes the badge and smiles sweetly) How may I be of help? |
| Goro | We heard the bitter testimony of your 18 year old self. I believe that in recent years you have re-examined this view. Tell us a little of your thought processes. |
| Gelis | Nicholas is not the easiest person to get to know. There are many facets to him - and not all of them are pleasant. |
| DeSlime | Oooh. Tell us more. |
| Goro | Yes, think back to the moment when you finally made up your mind about Nicholas. Tell us what you were thinking. |
SONG 13: FROM BOTH SIDES NOW (Gelis)
(cd17)
|
||
| Gelis | Laughs and
smiles and making fun And knowing I'm the only one That we are two who are as one, I've looked at Nick that way |
|
| But think
of Katelina's pain He left her pregnant, near insane Embittered, sad, then dead in vain, That also is his way |
||
| I've looked
at Nick from all sides now As clown and schemer, still somehow It's Nick's illusions cloud the clear. Is this the man I've learned to fear? |
||
| Fun and games
and business deals The dizzy dancing way you feel When every childhood dream comes real I've looked at Nick that way |
||
| But am I just
the latest show? He'll break me, take my child and go I'm scared he'll never let me know Won't give himself away |
||
| I've looked
at Nick from all sides now From love and hate and still somehow It's love's sad longings I recall I really don't know Nick at all |
||
| The beaten
child, the hardened man The hurt, the triumph and the plan; The music that he can't quite stand They're all Nick in a way |
||
| And now I
know what I must do I'm tired of fighting: I'll be true And he will do what he must do I'll risk my all and stay |
||
| I've looked
at Nick from all sides now I've been a fool, and broke a vow, But with him and his family I'll trust the man he wants to be |
||
| FFJ | Quiet! Go away! Get Out! Closing arguments NOW! |
| Gelis | (to FFJ, sunnily) Have a nice day! (she exits, SL) |
SONG 14: I HAVE A SONG TO SING-O (cd18)
|
||
| DeSlime | I have a song to sing-O | |
| Jury | (softly) Sing me your song-O | |
| DeSlime | It is sung to the wise: Who I advise For you are the Jury true O It's the song of a prentice boy not so dumb Whose glance was merry but never glum Who marched to a very different drum As he schemed to destroy all his family Heighdy, heighdy Listen to me He mustn't go free He marched to a very different drum As he schemed to destroy all his family. |
|
| Goro | I have a song to sing-O | |
| Jury | Sing me your song-O | |
| Goro | It is sung with the ring Of the truth that I sing For you all to listen with care-O It's the song of a child who was cast aside With cruel blows and with comments snide Who became an apprentice boy not so dumb Whose glance was merry but never glum Who marched to a very different drum As he fought to find love in a family Heighdy, heighdy Listen to me Set this man free He marched to a very different drum As he fought to find love in a family. |
|
| DeSlime | I have a song to sing-O | |
| Jury | Sing me your song-O | |
| DeSlime | It is sung to the knell Of a churchyard bell
And a doleful dirge ding dong-O It's the song of a man who a cannon sank Who killed a king and who broke a bank It's the song of a bastard taken in By a poor widow woman his dupe and kin Who became an apprentice boy not so dumb Whose glance was merry but never glum Who marched to a very different drum As he schemed to destroy all his family Heighdy, heighdy Listen to me He mustn't go free He marched to a very different drum As he schemed to destroy all his family. |
|
| Goro | I have a song to sing-O | |
| Jury | (strongly) Sing me your song-O | |
| Goro | It is sung with a sigh and a tear in the eye For it tells of a righted wrong-O It's the song of a man once despised and scorned Who stayed true blue and was not suborned Who many a man has cause to thank Who helped a King and who built a bank It's the song of a child who was cast aside With cruel blows and with comments snide Who became an apprentice boy not so dumb Whose glance was merry but never glum Who marched to a very different drum As he fought to find love in a family Heighdy, heighdy Listen to me Set this man free He marched to a very different drum As he fought to find love in a family. |
|
| (the Jury appears convinced of Nicholas's innocence by standing and joining in enthusiastically with Goro's final chorus) | ||
| Goro & Jury | Heighdy, heighdy We listen to thee We'll set this man free He'll march to a very different drum As he's freed to the love of his family. |
|
| Goro | (triumphantly) The defence rests! |
| FFJ | Gentlemen of the Jury. I know you will reach an impartial verdict, and that it WON'T be Not Guilty. If you are tempted to find the defendant Not Guilty, just remember your enormous debts to the Vatachino and the grave risk to your own personal safety. |
SONG 15: HERE'S A HOW-DE-DO (cd19)
|
|
| Jury Odd | Here's a how-de-do |
| Jury Even | What are we to do? |
| Jury | To defy the judge this jury Will incur his lordship's fury And that day we'll rue It will never do Here's a how-de-do! |
| Jury Odd | Here's a state of things |
| Jury Even | Here's a state of things |
| Jury | We now face a dire condition: Damn the prisner to perdition? Evil this way stings. If only we had wings Here's a state of things! |
| Jury Odd | Here's a pretty mess |
| Jury Even | If he would confess |
| Jury | We would then be free to go Our debts all paid in gold and so We'd feel a lack of stress Here's a pretty mess! Here's a pretty mess! |
| Jury Odd | Oh we know the prisner's innocent and good and true |
| Jury Even | But if we say he's not guilty then our debts fall due |
| Jury Odd | So innocent won't do |
| Jury Even | But guilty is not true |
| Jury |
Here's a pretty state of things Here's a Dunnett plot |
| Jury 1 | (spoken) Here's a pretty how de do! |
| (The Jury whispers 'Rhubarb Rhubarb' to each other for about 15 seconds) | |
| Jury 1 | You honour, we have reached a verdict in accordance with Scottish law |
| FFJ | Good. |
| Jury 1 | The verdict is Not... |
| FFJ | Stop! I trust you aren't about to give a verdict of Not Guilty! |
| Jury 1 | (sounded shocked) Not for a moment m'lud. |
| FFJ | Good (he puts on his black cap) |
| Jury 1 | No, the verdict is Not Proven! That charges against the victim have not been proven. He is free to go! |
| FFJ | This is a disgrace! |
| DeSlime | His character IS ruined. Everyone will believe that he's guilty but that it couldn't be proved beyond reasonable doubt |
| Goro | But it's quite legal in Scotland. The defendant is free, and cannot be retried for the same crimes. |
| FFJ | (removing black cap) Oh well. This is a Gilbert and Sullivan Pastiche, so it should come as no surprise that I am secretly very pleased that my grandson has been acquitted. I've always wished him well. I've secretly been on his side all along. But it's so hard for me - you see, I'm old, and sad, and alone. |
| Jury | (with genuine sympathy) Aaah. |
| FFJ | So old, so sad, so alone. |
| Bel | (rising from her seat in the Audience) Oh Bairn! You puir wee hinny! No wheelst I'm around! (she makes her way to the stage) |
| FFJ | Mistress Bel! Can it be that you care for me? |
| Bel | Dae ye no ken fine a dae, ye great gowk! |
| FFJ | The prisoner is free! The Jury's debts are forgiven! And I do believe that Mistress Bel and I are to be married! |
| DeSlime | Three cheers for the happy couple, and for Lady Dunnett! |
| Goro | Hip Hip |
| All | (including those cast members in the audience, all those on stage stand) Hooray! |
| Goro | Hip Hip |
| All | (the jury line up and face the audience) Hooray! |
| Goro | Hip Hip |
| All | (the rest of the cast make their way to the stage) Hooray! |
|
Rear of Stage
|
||||||||||||||||||
|
GB
|
J09
|
J08
|
J07
|
J05
|
J04
|
USH1
|
J01
|
J03
|
J02
|
J11
|
J12
|
J13
|
J14
|
J15
|
USH2
|
BW
|
LB
|
|
|
nich
|
astorre
|
violante
|
godscalc
|
viagra
|
ludo
|
viennetta
|
kathi
|
deslime
|
gelis
|
goro
|
tgwtwl
|
ffj
|
bel
|
julius
|
anna
|
sophie
|
niccie
|
marian
|
|
Audience
|
||||||||||||||||||
SONG 16: LOOK WHAT LADY DUNNETT HAS DONE (done done) (cd20)
|
|
| Jury | Look what Lady Dunnett has done |
| All | done done |
| Jury | She's just gone and written A new book: We're smitten We hope it's not the final one |
| All | one one |
| Jury | There is Johnson eight still to come: But the others give joy by the ton |
| All | ton ton |
| Jury | With Gabriel, the Dame And a chase and a Game And a twist in the tale that will stun |
| All | stun stun |
| Jury | And headaches and blindness: What fun! And Beltanno and Johnson fight scum |
| All | scum scum |
| Jury | There's Margot and our Wendy's mum |
| All | mum mum |
| Jury | And still there's Lulach, Thorfinn and Groa And Toby, Ochoa And Will Scott |
| And still there's Marthe, Austin, Joleta Ludovic, Joneta And Sim Kate, Archie and Clem And Rita (a gem) The Saint Mary's crew And old Wat Buccleuch, Jerrott and Richard too |
|
| All | It's too good to be true! |
